ladyegreen: (Default)
...but not really. I'm not taking one of my full time net-cations but I am on the down low. I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reading books, and working on my notes trying to get a feasible outline together for one of my projects. (And the rest of daily life of course).

Also intend to finish Verge of Something Wonderful in the FAKE fandom, it's getting top writing priority because it should have been finished and I don't like loose ends out there, I hate when online writers leave things unfinished so I shouldn't do it myself. (I've already said this in another post, this is the reminder, I worked on it some the last few days and have more work yet to do.)

I'm in a mood for fall and winter to be here already and to have hot cups of tea, chocolate chip cookies and a mind full of stories and characters. Christmas in July in a manner of speaking (the parts I like anyways).

If I miss anything important going on I apologize in advance. Checking in about once a day or so on my social networking (which feels far too much like work some days) and you can reach me via all those channels but I suspect the world will turn just fine without me.

Project Me

Jul. 1st, 2012 08:58 pm
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I'm glad to lay this year's June to rest. It was a hard month.

This is a State of the Ladye address, expect rambling and odd bits.

There is a tremendous storm outside at the moment with rolling thunder and much lightening. Very atmospheric. Fantastically, it dropped the temperature several degrees.

I'm having a bit of consumer/internet/modern life saturation and am looking for ways to release some of the pressure. There was a secret on post secret that spoke to me, of me, all though it is not my secret.


That's kind of sad isn't it? Ahh, well, life tends to happen along the way and we all do as we can I suppose. I'm struggling with my attention span lately, having a hard time remaining focused on any one thing. My ADD is acting up significantly. I also tend towards the theory that the internet is training many of us to have shorter attention spans. Filed under flaws I don't like and traits to be worked on.

My daughter is still off in Texas/New Mexico. I wish she was home. My mind isn't able to let go of its worries. I chew my nails, metaphorically, every day. I have no idea how I am going to adjust when both the children are grown and moved out. If my son is to be believed that moment will never come as far as he is concerned. Me being me, that just translates into me worrying about his emotional maturity. I have a bad case of mother hen complex I'm afraid.

I'm having a spell of weariness with the world. It comes and it goes. Still struggling with the faulty filter in my brain, entering a period of silence again, before I was having a problem keeping my mouth shut when things irritated me (or people). It really bothered me that I often found a sarcastic reply flying out of my mouth before I could stop it. Now I'm kind of curled in on myself and seeking the quiet. I'm not amused or engaged with the vast amount of deliberate ignorance I see going on these days. It's a horrible, slithery feeling in my spine, yeah? My Facebook has seen me using the feature to block posts quite a bit recently. I suppose I'll kick back out again in a few months and pick up where I left off, tackling sensitive subjects and ideas and trying to make a change for the good. Nothing with me ever lasts, not even my personality, it'll all come round again.

Sipping tea and quiet for now though.
ladyegreen: (Default)
I was awake at 3:30 this morning. At 4:30 I took a shower. At 5:20am, I left a note taped to the TV and got in my car and left. I was on the beach shortly after the park opened at 6:00am and I stayed my happy self there until nearly 10:00am.

Then I fed myself brunch, by myself, and ate all of my own food. (My kids know I don't eat as much as them and frequently not full meals so they are usually hovering.)

I went to the dollar store and touched EVERYTHING, some things I touched twice, as I meandered up and down the isles. No one asked me for anything and I thought that was quite nice.

Then I stopped to get gas, then I found a little tiny thrift store and found a treasure, a cream and sugar set that are made to look like shells. They are tiny. I will take a picture. I paid a 1.25 for them. They make me happy and have no real purpose in existence other than they made me happy.

Found a few clothes items for Jazz for .25cents a piece for her trip. For those who do not know my baby is taking her first big trip away from home. She is taking her first airplane ride tomorrow to Texas and will will be there for three weeks with Cassie, her best friend. (The one whose mother was in a wreck.) It's Cassie's father's summer visitation and he invited Jazz to come along. So while I ran away today because I needed too and the kid's were asleep anyway, come tomorrow I will be a soggy mess of tears, because I'm like that.

I feel good. I have walked on the beach. I watched the sun come up on the drive there. I walked Atalaya Castle, which is the best dollar you will ever spend. Also, if you come with me and you use my year pass, you can get in free. There was a group there at the beach doing some sort of religious service, everyone was dressed in white and there was singing. I stayed back from them to give them privacy but it was lovely. I also took an hour out to sit and read on one of the park benches in the sun.

I feel darn near human.
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A storm is moving in, my windchimes are chiming, birds are chirping and my laptop is playing native american flute music. *Sinks into a peaceful, easy feeling.*

I've taken a dare without realizing how big of a dare it will be. It's going to be a big dare. My friend Wolf and I were discussing writing and coding. (I write and he codes.) Somehow we drifted into discussing Fifty Shades of Grey and other fanfic writers who have gone on to publish original works, sometimes by taking what started out as a fanfiction and giving it a face lift.

We went back and forth on it for a while and he finally dared me to rewrite my very first fanfiction (Flowing Through, Petshop of Horrors Fandom) and I said, "You're on."

Issue one, the main character is very specific to this series. To rewrite him is going to mean a gut job and rework so that the story still works but he isn't a copy of someone else is work. I know there is this big divisive line, fanfiction right or wrong, and I've stated my opinion numerous times. If you want to know where the lines is for me, it's right there. Nothing I write that could possibly ever be published or for profit will have a character or specific methodology that belongs to someone else.

It also means I need to create and entire environment and intro for the story. Which is fine but takes time and will decide how the rest of the flow of the story will go. That's the one thing you can skip with fanfiction, you don't have to really introduce the characters or the environment. (You can if you want to mind you but it's not always needed.) Your readers find you and they know who they are reading about for the most part.

This story has a lot of supernatural elements and I played them out against the main character and family. I'll have to rework all of that.

But on the other hand, Flowing Through was cut short because at the time I was writing it my grandparents became ill and were dying. I had a lot of stress at the time and while I did finish it I did so by giving it an epilogue. Leaving it choppy. I've had request for years to add to it or do a sequel. If I rewrite it I will certainly expand the ending, I'll have to. Now whether or not the original fans will want to read it after it's been re-worked, I can't say.

I think it'll be a good exercise if nothing else. There is a difference in tone (usually, every writer is different) between fanfiction and original. Some of these writers who made the leap you can still see the inflection in there work. I'm going to try and fix that.

*Swings legs* It should be noted that I have not read and have no interest in reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I do wish the writer well though and cheer her success, good for her.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Little projects are easier for me to type up. As previously indicated, I am journaling again. Full tilt. What this means for you. Well, one, I'm going to be all over your friends feed unless you remove me from view. I'm posting not just to journal but to keep things in order and to give me structure. It's also to get me back in the habit of expressing myself through fluently using words. It also means I'm going to make an attempt to communicate more with each of you through your own journals.

This one is hazy, the internet for me is a lot like food. I need to be writing and journaling for my own mental and emotional health but I also need to learn where to draw the line and not spend an entire day on the internet. The lines get blurred and a lot of times I can sail past, "healthy and good for you" and directly into "you are gorging yourself on empty calories, stop it."

Many people have mentioned how much they miss LJ in it's hey day. As a good friend said on her own journal a while back, if we want that to change than we have to do something to make it change. Post more here and less on FB and don't just read but comment.

The like button has given us an easy way to acknowledge that we read something and appreciated it but I think LJ/DW takes more effort to really work.

I'll try to make it work.
ladyegreen: (Default)
This one is going to be a tricky thing to do and is going to involve money that I will have to find and even then there is a possibility that it won't work. I've mentioned before (endlessly, often, repeatedly, angrily, frustratedly) that I'm partially deaf and have problems discerning between tones.

I need to get my hearing checked & then see what a hearing aid will and won't do for me.

I am also a flute player, who can no longer tune my flute. So while I can bang out notes and I can tell by the feeling of the flute in my hand that I have a pure tone.. I can pretty much only discern things as being either low or high pitched.

I also had to pawn my flute years ago, along with my keyboards and my guitar, and have since lost a lot of the ability to read music, however, I'm confident I can pick it back up again. Thanks to [personal profile] ar_wahan & her daughter I have a flute and I really, really want to be able to play it properly.

Additional expense: Flute taken in for maintenance, new pads and so forth.

(This would be a good time to probably announce that I'm journaling again? Sorry for the bombing)
ladyegreen: (Default)
Finish my fanfiction from 2010 that I have mostly abandoned for two years despite many pleas from fans to please, please finish it.

Verge of Something Wonderful

Fandom: FAKE, by Sanami Matoh
Pairing: Randy "Ryo" Maclean and Dee Laytner, NYC Detectives
Ratings: Mature

Anyone is welcome to read it, standard disclaimers apply, I don not own the characters and I make no profit (nor would I wish too). Male/male love themes. The series it is based on is also a male/male love story. If that is not your cup of tea, then don't drink from it.

Taking guilt tactics on this one. Maybe if I put it here, with a link, instead of just mentioning it now and again I will feel guilt that it is sitting out there, unfinished, likely having lost all its readers. (Guilt, guilt, guilt, Heather, for shame, you hate it when people leave something unfinished that you are reading. How could you. You have an obligation.)

I have to finish this, because I haven't finished it every time I sit down to write my own original fiction it eats at me that it's out there, unfinished and that I am a bad writer for doing that.

(Please feel free to guilt me in the comment section even if you haven't the slightest intention of ever reading it. I need to start being responsible in my own life and it all matters, even the things other people find unworthy.)
ladyegreen: (Default)
I've been working on me. I think I have a tag for that, the being me thing. It's had some set backs and bumps. Still there has been some progress of sorts.

The filter between my mouth and my brain is still malfunctioning. I think in part the escalating "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT YOURSELF" attitude is because of a life time of me being someone you could reliably poke and get away with it. After a couple of decades of living that way I can't be surprised that people aren't heeding the warning signs and steering clear of me and in fairness sometimes I give no warning signs at all.

I should probably come with a warning sticker. Contents Volatile Disturb At Your Own Peril.

It is not going to get better at this time. Anti-depressants aren't even making a dent. I've come to the conclusion that while it's going to cost me relationship wise this is something I just have to go through. Awfully, brutally, efficient way of weeding out my life but there you have it. Perhaps it is just another stage on the road.

In other life changing type things I quit shampooing my hair. I've gone to using conditioner only and I'm looking into other alternatives. My hair is much less dry now and most of the incessant scalp itching I have during winter has gone away. It's also clean which I would not have believed if I had not done it myself. But there you have it.

I've also decided to quit shaving. This may change at a future point, like say spring or summer, but at the moment I really just don't feel like being female expectation compliant at the moment. Oddly enough it was not shaving my legs that did me in, it was shaving under my arms. If you don't experience this yourself or know someone who does you may not have run across it. I've talked to others like me so I'm not alone. Shaving under my arms makes my skin allergies worse and even when I use non scented deodorant it causes excessive itching, especially in winter when the heat is on and we're all bundled up. Since I've been trying to put me a little more first in my life I sat down and really thought about why the hell was I shaving in the first place? Who am I doing it for? I couldn't find an answer to that that I liked and I can't honestly say I'm doing it for me because really now, think about the answer, I'm shaving my armpits all smooth and clean because I like scratching them red and raw for days on in? Not! So I tossed it out of my life.

Lots of hard choices coming up, decisions I'm making that I haven't announced to people around me yet. One step at a time.
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I'm fairly sure that there is one specific person, if they read this, who is going to understand exactly what I mean and why I'm making this post.

Sometimes the hardest thing we have to overcome is ourselves and the years of conditioning we have gone through, conditioning we sometimes aren't strong enough to break through and you have to decide if you are going to come back and kick at that conditioning again or just let yourself sink under it and let it go.

It's hard, sometimes it's almost impossible, to recognize that you aren't thinking or feeling what you feel all on your own, that what you are carrying around is somebody else's expectations and opinions buried into your subconscious so deep that just trying to uproot them feels like you are tearing at yourself.

In people like me it manifests as an inability to believe that I have impact, that what I say matters and that who I am makes a dent in the world. I can't conceive of it, can't grasp it, hold it and believe it. I'm suppose to tell you about how this is my parents fault. But it isn't and wasn't, I have several friends who are teachers and I try to watch my mouth around them. It is not their fault but the things school did to me far outweigh anything my parents or siblings could have ever done. I wrote an entry a long time ago that only a few people could see and I didn't leave it up. It was an entire school's career worth of hurt and ugliness. (Which is another post and another time, I'm not here to cry about that now.)

My daughter wants to know why I'm not a comedian, a 'real' writer, or any of the other things she sees in me that I can't see in myself. How do you explain that you weren't good enough for so much of your life that you have no idea how to be good enough now. To truly believe in yourself is an incredible thing and it is so easily undermined.

The problem with it happening at such a young age is it makes it hard to recognize where it comes from to dig it up and rid yourself of it. You can read all the self help books, you can pump yourself up, you can go places where you know someone will hold you close and tell you you are worth it and you can finally go places so someone can sneer at you and give you a swift kick in the ass.

But no matter how much you want it and no matter how many times you try to claim it if you don't deal with the baggage first you're never going to make it. You have to be ready to reopen all those wounds and bleed them out and see them fairly through the distance time has given you. Almost separate yourself to do it and that may be the hardest thing I'm facing is that while I recognize what went wrong I'm one of those people who snarls and snaps at the fact there will be no redress. I have to learn to let it go and let it out of me.

And I can't imagine I'm the only one. Someone else on this list has had a parent, a friend (group of friends), a workplace, an ex, any one that can get close, that has sunk toxic claws into their mind and soul and left marks that hold us back despite ourselves.

For those people, I wish you luck, I wish me luck too, I'm determined I'm going to overcome but I have a feeling the nasty battles to come aren't going to be pleasant. That's all right I ultimately expect them to be freeing, for all of us who find ourselves on this path.
ladyegreen: (Default)
If I've learned anything about life it's this, always play the hand your dealt. Gambit, X-Men Origins

I don't mind labels and being labeled. I can't, don't, expect everyone I meet to have the time (or inclination) to invest in knowing me as well as I know myself.

I'm aware enough to know that despite claims otherwise we will all spend the majority of our lives living up not to the labels others affixed us with but rather, the ones we gave ourselves.

Living up to your own labels is often the sounds of your own wheels driving you crazy.

I'd rather not drive myself crazy.

I will not live up to my own labels. I will not make it a mission to do so. I will, also, not make it a mission to not do so. I will exist within the moment that I am and will let what I am flow through me, out of me, and let go of its meaning with an easy heart and a mind open to becoming a different me, endlessly.


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November 2014

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