Project Me

Jul. 1st, 2012 08:58 pm
ladyegreen: (Default)
I'm glad to lay this year's June to rest. It was a hard month.

This is a State of the Ladye address, expect rambling and odd bits.

There is a tremendous storm outside at the moment with rolling thunder and much lightening. Very atmospheric. Fantastically, it dropped the temperature several degrees.

I'm having a bit of consumer/internet/modern life saturation and am looking for ways to release some of the pressure. There was a secret on post secret that spoke to me, of me, all though it is not my secret.


That's kind of sad isn't it? Ahh, well, life tends to happen along the way and we all do as we can I suppose. I'm struggling with my attention span lately, having a hard time remaining focused on any one thing. My ADD is acting up significantly. I also tend towards the theory that the internet is training many of us to have shorter attention spans. Filed under flaws I don't like and traits to be worked on.

My daughter is still off in Texas/New Mexico. I wish she was home. My mind isn't able to let go of its worries. I chew my nails, metaphorically, every day. I have no idea how I am going to adjust when both the children are grown and moved out. If my son is to be believed that moment will never come as far as he is concerned. Me being me, that just translates into me worrying about his emotional maturity. I have a bad case of mother hen complex I'm afraid.

I'm having a spell of weariness with the world. It comes and it goes. Still struggling with the faulty filter in my brain, entering a period of silence again, before I was having a problem keeping my mouth shut when things irritated me (or people). It really bothered me that I often found a sarcastic reply flying out of my mouth before I could stop it. Now I'm kind of curled in on myself and seeking the quiet. I'm not amused or engaged with the vast amount of deliberate ignorance I see going on these days. It's a horrible, slithery feeling in my spine, yeah? My Facebook has seen me using the feature to block posts quite a bit recently. I suppose I'll kick back out again in a few months and pick up where I left off, tackling sensitive subjects and ideas and trying to make a change for the good. Nothing with me ever lasts, not even my personality, it'll all come round again.

Sipping tea and quiet for now though.
ladyegreen: (Default)
I was awake at 3:30 this morning. At 4:30 I took a shower. At 5:20am, I left a note taped to the TV and got in my car and left. I was on the beach shortly after the park opened at 6:00am and I stayed my happy self there until nearly 10:00am.

Then I fed myself brunch, by myself, and ate all of my own food. (My kids know I don't eat as much as them and frequently not full meals so they are usually hovering.)

I went to the dollar store and touched EVERYTHING, some things I touched twice, as I meandered up and down the isles. No one asked me for anything and I thought that was quite nice.

Then I stopped to get gas, then I found a little tiny thrift store and found a treasure, a cream and sugar set that are made to look like shells. They are tiny. I will take a picture. I paid a 1.25 for them. They make me happy and have no real purpose in existence other than they made me happy.

Found a few clothes items for Jazz for .25cents a piece for her trip. For those who do not know my baby is taking her first big trip away from home. She is taking her first airplane ride tomorrow to Texas and will will be there for three weeks with Cassie, her best friend. (The one whose mother was in a wreck.) It's Cassie's father's summer visitation and he invited Jazz to come along. So while I ran away today because I needed too and the kid's were asleep anyway, come tomorrow I will be a soggy mess of tears, because I'm like that.

I feel good. I have walked on the beach. I watched the sun come up on the drive there. I walked Atalaya Castle, which is the best dollar you will ever spend. Also, if you come with me and you use my year pass, you can get in free. There was a group there at the beach doing some sort of religious service, everyone was dressed in white and there was singing. I stayed back from them to give them privacy but it was lovely. I also took an hour out to sit and read on one of the park benches in the sun.

I feel darn near human.
ladyegreen: (Default)
It is June right? Isn't it a little too early for this sort of rubbish to be on my facebook feed?

War on Christmas Rubbish, It's June People; too early for this.

I really wonder about Christians that have nothing more to offer as proof of their faith than their constant whining and badgering of other people. I can't imagine how this scenario plays out in their heads when they finally "stand before God". Do they expect extra pats on the back from him for their "good deeds"?

God: What have you done with my Son's teachings while on Earth?

Person of "Faith": Much my Lord, I posted eighty billion times on social networking sites that other people weren't worshiping you correctly, especially Jesus's birthday, and as a bonus I put a bumper sticker on the right side of my car that has the little people used on restrooms door to show that one man plus one woman equals marriage, and on the left I have one that says God says it, I believe it, That settles it.

God: Oh My, you've really outdone yourself, I expected maybe a little donation at church every week, maybe visit your Nan in the rest home, but this.. this exceeds all my expectations. Come on in to the V.I.P. room and we'll get you set up proper up on the big cloud.

Really? It's June. I'm not suppose to have to be cranky about this until at least late August. GAH.
ladyegreen: (Default)
I posted this over a year ago & it still holds true.

I did not write this, a friend did, giving me a stern talking to regarding my bad habit of being too nice for my own good and putting up with things, people, when I ought not to. Where I am just suppressing tons of harmful toxic sludge poisoning my psyche and possibly health by doing so. I love what she had to say and I'm fully intending to apply it to me, myself and I. Your mileage may vary.

YOU ARE NOT A UNICORN. You are not any sort of unique shit filter for mankind, nor are you under any obligation to impersonate one. Yeah, it's true, the modern world might be influencing us to bubble wrap ourselves and avoid unpleasant and uncomfortable influences and infringements upon our space. But that is NOT AN ENTIRELY NEGATIVE IMPULSE. There is no prize for putting up with people you find repellent, people who consistently raise your blood pressure, people who give you ulcers. You are obliged to show charitable, ethical behavior, not indulgent behavior. Political difference is not a small thing -- it is morality, ethics, and world view. You are allowed to choose to seek to spend your limited time on this earth with people whose morality and ethics match yours.

It is one thing to be legitimately challenged to examine yourself. It is another thing to be annoyed and repulsed and scandalized and taken lightly. You are not obligated to do the second.

Sometimes even very nice people are not people it is healthy for you to devote your time to. This need not be a flaw in anyone -- sometimes people are not compatible and THAT IS OK.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Midge didn't make it. He went into seizures this morning.
I've been up for so long that I can't really focus. Thank you, all of you for the well wishes, I wish things had been different. He was only three years old. We were assured that we had done every thing we could, reasonably, unfortunately it just wasn't to be. We are all devastated.

Midge May 2012, Passed June 1, 2012
ladyegreen: (Default)
We go up and we go down. Blood work came back Midge has kidney failure. We have to take him back in today. We are hitting rock bottom on funds. I don't know what this means, they spoke to Jeff and told him he might not recover. Jeff is too upset to tell me what they said and when I took the phone a receptionist had come on to set up the appointment.

I have not slept in three days. I need help. I'm out of cope, I'm out of money, and I'm worn out. I have no idea if we are taking him in for treatment or to have him put down.

I have nothing left. The spoons are gone.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Midge made it.

The abscess in his mouth apparently burst, hence all the blood and liquid.

The convulsions and collapse are being attributed to either or both, pain and shock, and a reaction to his pain medication. So we've been told not to give him anymore.

I have to keep an eye on him and make sure he stays hydrated and eats. He's already had the antibiotic to treat the abscess.

And we go on.

(I'll breathe easy when everyone is home safe, I worry about the roads, but I'm considering having a nice collapse myself and sleeping.)
ladyegreen: (Default)
MIdge collapsed and threw up blood and water. Please pray. Please, please, please, please pray. Jeff's in a dead heat to get to an emergency vet and hour and half away.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Copied from what I posted to [personal profile] ar_wahan. I am very, very tired. I stayed up all night with Midge and just got in from the vet's at 10:47am. Possibly more later, email later.

Loves everyone.

And Paste:

We just got back from the vet's. Midge is a very sick baby, he has an abscess (possibly more than one) in his mouth and is down to five pounds and was dehydrated. They gave him fluids, an antibiotic shot, some type of medicine that will stimulate his appetite and sent me home with pain killers for him.

When I was bundling him up this morning his cheeks were bloated so when I got to the vet's I had already decided that if it wasn't his sinuses than he had had a tooth gone bad.

He may still have a urinary or kidney infection.

Once the antibiotics work will have to have dental work done. I don't believe he saw a bad tooth straight out. He mentioned that it may be a tooth growing into the sinuses? I'm not familiar with that on cats. All of that is on standby until his weight is back up and the antibiotic has done its job.
ladyegreen: (Default)
A storm is moving in, my windchimes are chiming, birds are chirping and my laptop is playing native american flute music. *Sinks into a peaceful, easy feeling.*

I've taken a dare without realizing how big of a dare it will be. It's going to be a big dare. My friend Wolf and I were discussing writing and coding. (I write and he codes.) Somehow we drifted into discussing Fifty Shades of Grey and other fanfic writers who have gone on to publish original works, sometimes by taking what started out as a fanfiction and giving it a face lift.

We went back and forth on it for a while and he finally dared me to rewrite my very first fanfiction (Flowing Through, Petshop of Horrors Fandom) and I said, "You're on."

Issue one, the main character is very specific to this series. To rewrite him is going to mean a gut job and rework so that the story still works but he isn't a copy of someone else is work. I know there is this big divisive line, fanfiction right or wrong, and I've stated my opinion numerous times. If you want to know where the lines is for me, it's right there. Nothing I write that could possibly ever be published or for profit will have a character or specific methodology that belongs to someone else.

It also means I need to create and entire environment and intro for the story. Which is fine but takes time and will decide how the rest of the flow of the story will go. That's the one thing you can skip with fanfiction, you don't have to really introduce the characters or the environment. (You can if you want to mind you but it's not always needed.) Your readers find you and they know who they are reading about for the most part.

This story has a lot of supernatural elements and I played them out against the main character and family. I'll have to rework all of that.

But on the other hand, Flowing Through was cut short because at the time I was writing it my grandparents became ill and were dying. I had a lot of stress at the time and while I did finish it I did so by giving it an epilogue. Leaving it choppy. I've had request for years to add to it or do a sequel. If I rewrite it I will certainly expand the ending, I'll have to. Now whether or not the original fans will want to read it after it's been re-worked, I can't say.

I think it'll be a good exercise if nothing else. There is a difference in tone (usually, every writer is different) between fanfiction and original. Some of these writers who made the leap you can still see the inflection in there work. I'm going to try and fix that.

*Swings legs* It should be noted that I have not read and have no interest in reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I do wish the writer well though and cheer her success, good for her.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Little projects are easier for me to type up. As previously indicated, I am journaling again. Full tilt. What this means for you. Well, one, I'm going to be all over your friends feed unless you remove me from view. I'm posting not just to journal but to keep things in order and to give me structure. It's also to get me back in the habit of expressing myself through fluently using words. It also means I'm going to make an attempt to communicate more with each of you through your own journals.

This one is hazy, the internet for me is a lot like food. I need to be writing and journaling for my own mental and emotional health but I also need to learn where to draw the line and not spend an entire day on the internet. The lines get blurred and a lot of times I can sail past, "healthy and good for you" and directly into "you are gorging yourself on empty calories, stop it."

Many people have mentioned how much they miss LJ in it's hey day. As a good friend said on her own journal a while back, if we want that to change than we have to do something to make it change. Post more here and less on FB and don't just read but comment.

The like button has given us an easy way to acknowledge that we read something and appreciated it but I think LJ/DW takes more effort to really work.

I'll try to make it work.
ladyegreen: (Default)
This one is going to be a tricky thing to do and is going to involve money that I will have to find and even then there is a possibility that it won't work. I've mentioned before (endlessly, often, repeatedly, angrily, frustratedly) that I'm partially deaf and have problems discerning between tones.

I need to get my hearing checked & then see what a hearing aid will and won't do for me.

I am also a flute player, who can no longer tune my flute. So while I can bang out notes and I can tell by the feeling of the flute in my hand that I have a pure tone.. I can pretty much only discern things as being either low or high pitched.

I also had to pawn my flute years ago, along with my keyboards and my guitar, and have since lost a lot of the ability to read music, however, I'm confident I can pick it back up again. Thanks to [personal profile] ar_wahan & her daughter I have a flute and I really, really want to be able to play it properly.

Additional expense: Flute taken in for maintenance, new pads and so forth.

(This would be a good time to probably announce that I'm journaling again? Sorry for the bombing)
ladyegreen: (Default)
Finish my fanfiction from 2010 that I have mostly abandoned for two years despite many pleas from fans to please, please finish it.

Verge of Something Wonderful

Fandom: FAKE, by Sanami Matoh
Pairing: Randy "Ryo" Maclean and Dee Laytner, NYC Detectives
Ratings: Mature

Anyone is welcome to read it, standard disclaimers apply, I don not own the characters and I make no profit (nor would I wish too). Male/male love themes. The series it is based on is also a male/male love story. If that is not your cup of tea, then don't drink from it.

Taking guilt tactics on this one. Maybe if I put it here, with a link, instead of just mentioning it now and again I will feel guilt that it is sitting out there, unfinished, likely having lost all its readers. (Guilt, guilt, guilt, Heather, for shame, you hate it when people leave something unfinished that you are reading. How could you. You have an obligation.)

I have to finish this, because I haven't finished it every time I sit down to write my own original fiction it eats at me that it's out there, unfinished and that I am a bad writer for doing that.

(Please feel free to guilt me in the comment section even if you haven't the slightest intention of ever reading it. I need to start being responsible in my own life and it all matters, even the things other people find unworthy.)

Miss Priss

May. 27th, 2012 12:21 pm
ladyegreen: (Default)
Kitten has gone to the vet. Miss Priss is verified a girl, 8 weeks old. She is worm and disease free. She has feeling and sensation in her leg, it is not broken and they do not know why she is dragging it or curling her foot over. The lump is also gone from her leg. At this moment they recommend we continue to work with her on walking on it properly and keep it clean/check for sores. If it doesn't improve it will likely have to be amputated. I'm not sure what to think about the leg situation. Maybe the lump was some sort of bite? A sprain? I guess we just go forward.

P052512_1928, 05/26/12
ladyegreen: (Default)
Little Kitten Update, well we think it's a girl. She has a strong appetite and ate a lot of food. She's pretty healthy to my untrained eye. The leg I am confused on. She either drags it as a dead weight or tries to walk on it but she's bending her paw completely over, walking on the top of her foot instead of the pad. I checked her foot carefully her pads are not injured in anyway. She has at least one lump on her leg. I could find no evidence of her having been bit or wounded. The lump feels like bone, so I'm thinking maybe somehow her leg broke and reset wrong? Or possibly the leg bone is deformed? She does not seem to be in pain, this has me worried, we gently handled her leg and foot, not only did she allow it but other than stretching that leg a few times when she was on her back she doesn't seem to do much with it. I'm concerned that we are looking at nerve damage because I would think it would hurt to have that lump in it or to try and stand on it with her paw bent over. Trying decide do I go to the cheaper vet for a checkup or do I need to take her to actual hospital that kept Midge alive in 2009. I'm out of my league here.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Hurt Kitty

Help Alert. Jeff found a kitten that was dragging its back leg and was being shunned by it's mother. It's eyes are clear and it has good appetite but it won't let any of us close enough to it to check out it's leg. A co-worker thought she would be able to take it and take it to the vet's, her husband said no, and now we have the kitten. If anyone out there could help, any amount, it would be greatly appreciated, anything at all. My paypal is and if the kitten can be saved and anyone would like a little grey and black striped kitten with grey eyes, it could use home.

We need to see what happened to its leg, whether it's broken (likely) or something else and it can't stay at my home until it's cleared off all diseases. I wouldn't normally mix new pets with old anyway but ours is heightened because we have a cat with a repressed immune system. But we couldn't leave it injured and abandoned. :/
ladyegreen: (Default)
You ever had so much going on, inside your head, outside your head, that you feel as though the changes you are going through are moving faster than you can catch up?

That would be me at the moment. I'm being a friend but not an excellent one, a mother but again, not all that well, and so on for various roles I am in life.

It's been chaotic these last five years.

I regret this but I don't know how to stop it either. Seems to be a growing pains type of thing.

I wonder whom will I be next?
ladyegreen: (Default)
I made my first juicer veggie drink but I cheated. I juiced a small apple, an inch or so of ginger, several stalks of celery, several leaves of collards and then I cut it with white grape juice. And I have to say, it's delicious, and very, very green.

Next time I'm going to cut it with tea, probably chamomile.

I'm not up to switching out juice for food but trying to cook around four people usually winds up with me budgeting money meals and I don't get as much veggies as I would like and definitely not as much as I need. I'm going to see if I can make some drinks that aren't green and get James and Jazz to try those. I'm also trying to bolster my vitamins, especially my iron, and the web says things like calcium are very high in collards (kale, cabbage).

It's a good thing I like collards because the only place I could find kale (the juicer sites love kale) was at Wal-mart and it was expensive, wilted and teeny.

Meanwhile, I apparently have more hair than I think I do. In a standard pony tail it cuts off just above my shoulder blades. In the shower when wet it goes well past my shoulder blades. Have some serious dry ends to cut off but usually my hair breaks off in my hands once it hits my shoulders. It's not doing that now which I guess I have to attribute to no longer shampooing my hair with regular shampoo. Using a mild baby shampoo once a week and the rest of the time I wash it with conditioner.

It is very green outside, I like the green.
ladyegreen: (Default)
Ten Things I wish the Church Knew About Homosexuality

1. If Jesus did not mention a subject, it cannot be essential to his teachings.
2. You are not being persecuted when prevented from persecuting others.
3. Truth isn’t like wine that gets better with age. It’s more like manna you must recognize wherever you are and whoever you are with.
4. You cannot call it “special rights” when someone asks for the same rights you have.
5. It is no longer your personal religious view if you’re bothering someone else.
6. Marriage is a civil ceremony, which means it’s a civil right.
7. If how someone stimulates the pubic nerve has become the needle to your moral compass, you are the one who is lost.
8. To condemn homosexuality, you must use parts of the Bible you don’t yourself obey. Anyone who obeyed every part of Leviticus would rightly be put in prison.
9. If we do not do the right thing in our day, our grandchildren will look at us with same embarrassment we look at racist grandparents.
10. When Jesus forbade judging, that included you.

Spotted on Zalriva1's LJ first and comes from Jim Rigby's Site


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